Friends

I told Diane, "D, if I lose 10# by the time I get my school money, we'll go to Yoghurt Mountain and eat like 50$ worth of ice cream."

I really wanted to say 15.
More like 20.

I'm trying to be healthy but saying so leaves me with a horrible taste in my mouth. What is healthy? Is it losing weight by eating 1700 calories a day? Is it the 2 days off from work I have where I tend to eat everything in sight? Is it me eating for the sake of saying I'm not starving myself? Because I still get queasy when I eat too much - hating myself with every calorie I may or may not enter into DailyBurn. I still want to hurt myself when I see a 1.5# loss for the week and not the 5# I was once so good at losing. The food goes in. It's not being passed over nor is it coming back up if I do eat, but am I healthy?

Would it really be so much of a crime if I just didn't eat a lot? Would I be punished for eating less than 1200? If I aimed for 1000 or less? Are my thoughts and secret plans treasonous? Am I hurting myself or do I try to stay on the straight and narrow because I know that those around me won't like it if I start dropping weight too quickly?

Yes, I fear getting lose skin from losing 50# in 6 weeks like I did once before. No, I don't want people to question me about what I have or haven't eaten. And I haven't the self-control I once had but dammit, I want it back. I want to be good again.

I wasn't thinking like this until I was down into the 30's again this past week, 2 days of unstoppable eating to accompany the victory. I'm almost at my Canada weight. I want to be smaller dammit. It breaks my heart and tears me up when B is behind me in the bed and I realize just how big I am in comparison. We're the same fucking height! She's 172. I'm so much heavier than that. She loves me and finds me both beautiful and sexy. I don't see it. I see fat. I see what I could be. I see numbers on my arms and thighs. I see bad.

Am I healthy? No. But what is healthy anyway?

( Putting 2009 to Bed )

Expectation for 2010

- Lose 50-100lb. Basically, I want to finally see my first GW that I set for myself 6 1/2 years ago. I'm tired of being this much of a fat ass. I'll be a lot happier once I'm out of this weight range.

- MOVE THE FUCK OUT OF NORWOOD. Or, move to the Southside. I want a nice place with pale carpet (or wood floors) and doors that aren't this ugly, shitty brown. I want insulated walls, a shower, grounding wires in the wall, and for there to not be a godzilla rat under my tub. I want a place that's good for cooking, living, learning, and having awesome sex. A place where my car isn't fucked with and fuckers aren't popping off 500 rounds (no exageration) from 3pm NYE. I would love to live around some culturally similar people and people who have goals beyond either selling or obtaining drugs.

- Acquire: a sofa, a MacBook, a new car that isn't costing us 340$ a month, curtains, engagement rings, a Withings WiFi scale, a new arm chair or two, some style, new bras and jeans!, more shoes, a shit ton of cookware, a lovely comforter/sheet set thing that B and I picked out as ours.

- A promotion of some sort. Work my way out of the associate hole I'm in.

- At least 2 semesters of 3/4 times college work.

- Find a way to get a divorce for B and her in school. Help D get into school. Help the two of them get [better] jobs.

- Stay alive and well and happy!

- Find a shrink and get mental help.

- Strengthen all of my relationships.

- Be more spiritual. Put myself out there more and grow more as a person.

- Start writing more - LJ, Twitter, whatever. I want to blog and vlog and start "broadcasting" my life like I once did. Maybe I'll get some minions. (LOL!)

- Make this Rainbow Glitter Ninja Bonsai Kitties Tour something worth writing my novel over.


I'm hoping this year I can be an even better person than I was last year. I want to get healthy and happier. I hope to remain sober and off of the drugs. I want to have a rocking GPA. I want B and I make plans for our wedding. I want B to have her "F". I want D to stay with us and continue to grow in her newfound happiness and learn that she's valuable.

This is OUR year. I'm going to make it happen.

I think I may, perhaps, always do this. Damn me... First entry of the month tho it's kind of fuck tarded as most of them occured late as fuck. ( 2009 Wank )


( This time last year: )

Goddammit - GK was such a fucking wanker. I can't believe I allowed myself to get involved with his ass. I don't think I've heard anything from him since probably March or April but ehh. I've changed so much in a year. I've made so many strides to better myself. I'm actually somewhat stable. I've been with B for nearly a solid year. I've lived out in the Big Bad World as a responsible adult for almost just as long. Right now, things are good. I have my girl at my side still. My best friend/little sister, Diane, is living with us for the time being and she's getting her life back together. (B and I both agree that she needs to get healthy and happy mentally and physically and her staying her... She's FAMILY. She's our family.) 2009 was a hell of a moth'fucking ride. The "Fuck You. Love, Nico" (FUL Nico) Tour of '09 was a raging success.

"I toy with the thought of being in love and what it would mean. Being in love hurts. You want to be posessed. You want to be the best person you could possibly be for someone yet you always fall short and you die inside - you wonder when they'll finally realize you aren't good and they'll leave you. You constantly fight yourself and rethink all that made you you in the first place - I do. And the thought of them walking away is shattering." (Nov08)

I can say now that I don't feel this way as much. Sure, some of it definitely still holds true (even with all the Becca magic) but I've found that I can be loved - that people do indeed love me.

I've got to settle on the plans for 2010 because, if anything, this year has taught me that I can make shit happen. I want 2010 to happen. Next year is about to be fucking amazing.